Blog For Free!
Archives
Home
2004 July
2004 June
2004 May
2004 April
My Links
Sterlingmf's Blog
Youngapostle's Blog
Your Limitless Life Coaching
Daily Word of God & Prayers
tBlog
My Profile
Send tMail
My tFriends
My Images
Sponsored
Blog
|
| The Bad Daughter |
| 07.13.04 (4:47 pm) [edit] |
I love my mom. At least, I try.
We've always been what others would describe as "close". But upon closer inspection it seems that I am the thing in her life that hurts the most, that fails her the most.
My mom says I make her feel not good enough. Never good enough. And it's true, I hold everyone to impossible standards. I've been told time and time again - sometimes under the guise of humor - that I am the person with too many rules, too many restrictions, too many "shoulds" and "should nots". I have never done well with the live and let live motto - not in practical application anyway.
The priest on Sunday said that we truly "love others as we love ourselves". I suppose that means I don't love myself very well either. I'm one of those people that will one day be the stereotypical sitcom mother-in-law. Overly critical of everything and everyone. Evidentally I'm gaining quite a reputation among my loved ones.
I hate being like this. And the sad irony of it is that it comes bundled with an overwhelming desire to love and take care of and protect those closest to me. My son, my husband, my mom and my two younger brothers. They are my heart. And I want so much to see them happy. My mom especially.
I'm sure it's sick and dysfunctional and a whole bunch of other things I'm not supposed to be - but I have always wanted to make sure she is happy. But it seems that the thing that makes her the least happy are my fumbling attempts to love her.
It's never enough. It's not my love that she wants. My love has never been enough to fill the holes for her. In fact, it somehow makes the holes bigger.
God it is a painful thing to be the cause of her misery. To hear her tell me how much my criticalness hurts her and stops her from being happy.
She tells me I have no idea what it is to feel not good enough all the time.
But I do. I know what it feels like to want so badly to make her pain go away. I've known that feeling for as long as I can remember. I know what it feels like to want to defend her. To want for her to know love and happiness and joy. And I've always wanted her to know just how much I love her, how much I would do for her. For her to know that there were no limits to where I would go.
And it's not good enough. It's not good enough because it doesn't work. She doesn't feel loved. She doesn't feel accepted. She doesn't feel happiness or joy. She feels rejected and miserable and lonely - and not good enough.
And it is no longer simply because I could not love her enough. For years I have wanted to love her better. I have seen the gaps that my love could not cover - no matter how hard I stretched.
When my brother tore at her heart and she cried because she questioned her own abilities at a mother - I wondered why me loving her as a mother did not make up for what he didn't appreciate. But this is not like that.
This is not the same old inability to love her enough. This is not her crying out for love and not recognizing my voice because she is straining to hear from another. This is not her asking "who will love me?" and me screaming in the background... wondering why my version doesn't count.
This is more personal. It is not someone else not giving her what she needs and me not being able to fill in the spaces. It is me. I am the one not giving her the attention and affection - somehow. I am the one causing her pain. I am the one who is not - and apparently have not been for some time - the daughter she needs.
If what I give her is a sense of not being good enough - than I too have fallen short. I also am not good enough.
Except - when you are not good enough for your children, everyone knows that it is because your kids are demanding and have ridiculous standards. How can you not be good enough for your own parents? How can you possibly screw that job up?
I am so sad; so broken and defeated. Who I am - who I have been since I can remember - is her daughter. It is more important to me to love her than anything else that I am called to do.
And I'm tired of not getting it right.
She told me earlier today - when I thought things were going to be OK - that people would starting shutting themselves off from me. In order to protect themselves from my ridicule, they would simply cut me out. Like cancer.
I hate being the cancer. And I'm tired of the way people look at cancer. I'm tired of the way people talk about it, and avoid it and resent it. I'm tired of hating it.
I want to be cut out.
I can't handle failing at this. I can't handle being the bitch anymore. I can't handle not being good enough.
She says that she's lonely - and that's one of the reasons she makes the decisions she does... the ones that scare me. The ones that bring on the cancer.
Not me. Bring on the lonliness. It's exhausting being the bad daughter.
I know not good enough. And I hate that because I wasn't, neither is she.
|
|
|
| |
| Father, it's been a while |
| 06.21.04 (6:02 am) [edit] |
Father... it seems that of all the relationships I neglect - ours is the first to go. Lord, how do I do it all?
Father, I know that you are not "something to fit in" or "get done". But by the same token, it seems that spending time with You - as with anyone - really is something I need to schedule in!
Father, it seems there is just neer enough time to get it all done! I need to pray, I need to go to Mass, I need to write, I need to market my site, I need to improve my site, I need to be with Devn and Jared, etc. etc., I need to work on my house. Father... how do I get it all done?
St. Joseph, you are the Patron Saint of workers... pray for me. Help me to make use of all the hours given me, help me to be more productive and effective.
Father, forgive me for not spending the time with You... but more than that, help me to make it possible. Help me please Father, that I can be a good steward of all you have given me and that I might live up to all of the potential you have bestowed. Help me do more with my time Lord.
Blessed Mother, pray for my baby today. His poor little ear is aching Blessed Mother. Pray for him and shower your mother's love on him. Join your prayers with mine and be his advocate Sweet Mary.
Father.. I'll be watching for you today. :-)
In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit...
Amen
|
|
|
| |
| Father, I am so tired |
| 06.13.04 (7:51 pm) [edit] |
Father, I am so tired. My soul is weary Lord. My faith it seems is dwindling to it's last ounces.
Father, I know that I need to let go - to give up being right, or appreciated, or any of that. I know that I need to lay that down for You, for what You ask of all of us - to love.
But I'm stuck Lord. I know that's what I need - I know that's what you want - and I just can't. Father, every time I think of it I feel like once again it will go unnoticed, once again... once again. And I just can't make myself take that next step.
Abba, Papa... what am I to do?
What am I to pray for?
Father, what my heart is really longing for right now is for someone here to step in for me. To physically prop me up. I am trying to lean on You... or better, to reach towards You. But Father, it would be so wonderful to find Your kind of comfort in another person. A person whose face I could see, words I could hear...
Lord, I am weak. I cannot follow the way I want to, the way I should. I can see the rewards just a few steps off, just on the other side of a decision. And still, I cannot make the tiny leap.
Father, I know that You know what I need. So I just ask you, as a chid, make it better. Tell me that everything will be OK... and make it so.
sweet Mother, pray for me. Comfort me, champion me with our Father and your Son. I know you do not fail your children.
In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit...
Amen
|
|
|
| |
| Lord, I am a hot/cold child |
| 06.10.04 (6:49 pm) [edit] |
Lord God, I realized today that you had answered my prayers - my screaming, begging, crying plea of a prayer. You delivered to me a client - in a big way. And it gave me the courage to step out and take another leap of faith in You.
And here I was, ready to sing Your praises. And Father, I am still so happy to sing your praises. I truly am so grateful that you had mercy on me.
But ah.. I am so hot and cold as your child.
Yes, I am truly Your child - so in need of your fathering. Like my own child, I seem to forget your love in my immediate suffering. I cry and scream. but oh Father, just like my little Devin, when I am smack in the middle of my love for you... I would swing my arms around your neck and kiss you!
Lord, I am so grateful for your Covenant - your familial covenant. Father, when you sent Jesus... you truly sent Him to lead us back Home. You sent Him to be our Brother so that we may share in His Fahter, our Father.
Lord, let me have the sweet instinctive memory of a child who has sat on the lap of her Father, who has been thrown up so that she would laugh, who has been hugged and fed and loved... for so long and from so early on that I know even without remembering.
Father, help me to accept the love you have given me always. You know Lord, my brother Jay has always had his family here - loving him, hoping for him, ready to grant his every wish. We have always loved him, even when he did not know it - even now when he seems to choose to reject it. It occurs to me now that this is how You love me, my Father - and how my Brother Jesus loves me - so much that he would die so that I could come be welcomed home. Ah yes, now I undestand that love.
I understand Lord that, as your child, you do not want me to obey out of fear or serve out of duty... but rather to love to the point that it is my heart's delight to see you smile, to make you proud, to have you be glad with me.
Father, I know you love me, your child - even as hot and cold as I can be. Even in my tantrums - you love me still. That love is so much more than even what I can offer my own child... wow.
Father - thank you. And truly, Lord, how I love you... and for the first time I understand what that means.
In the Name of the Father, and his Son, and the Holy Spirit...
Amen
|
|
|
| |
| Lord, please |
| 06.08.04 (7:56 am) [edit] |
Lord, let me be specific. Let me be honest. Let me be clear. Let me be bold. And help me to not be angry!
Lord, I am supposed to be trusting in you... always. I've got to be honest Lord - I'm getting frustrated!!
No, I am way beyond getting frustrated Lord. I'm there, right there, and quickly moving past that.
Lord - I am supposed to trust you enough to be open to children in my marriage - but where have you been as I've cried out to you for months now to ease our money problems?? How am I - as human as I am - supposed to continue to trust you with my life, my fears and my prayers - when it seems you have been ignoring me thus far??
Lord, my heart is breaking and I am left with tears. I am getting envious Lord. I look around and see you blessing others, loving others, showing yourself to them. Why them and not me Lord!??! I'm sorry Lord, I don't want to be angry with you, but dang it Lord - WHEN?!?!
When is it MY turn!?! When is it our turn Lord??
We pray and we pray. We ask and we ask. We knock until our knuckles are bruised!
Lord - open the door already!!
And frankly Lord, I am tired of people telling me to be patient. I have been patient. I have been patient for so long - I have been quiet, I have been hopeful, I have been optimistic. In fact, I've done it so well for so long that it's no wonder people thing I am impatient because they just now are starting to see the cracks!!!!
Lord, I don't know how much farther I can walk like this. My faith is getting fake.
Father, please. Just please, now, finally, have mercy on me. Have mercy on us.
Look - I KNOW how I am supposed to be feeling and handling all of this. I know I need faith. I know I need trust. I know I need hope. I know I need to accept that your time is better than mine.
And you know what Lord? That doesn't change a thing. I am still angry. I am still hurting. And I am still here, begging you.
Father, it needs to be now. It has to be now.
Hear me... please - and answer.
In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit...
Amen
|
|
|
| |
| God - it's a tall order today |
| 06.07.04 (6:09 am) [edit] |
Lord, I have a lot to bring to you today... I'm not sure where to begin.
First, I guess, is my struggles as a mother right now. Lord, I love this child so much - I am so grateful for the miracle of him that you have given me. But O'Lord how he tempts me right now!!
This last week has just been so hard Lord. He's not listening, he's whining, he's down right defiant. I'm getting so angry with him!!!! And all I want to do is love him Lord. I just want to hold him and enjoy him. But right now it fels like the only part of parenting I am allowed is the discipline. I hate it.
Lord, I pray that you will help me to be the mother little Devin needs. I pray that you will infuse me with your spirit and grace - and mercy.
Blessed Mother, your child was without sin! But as I think of what you suffered - I am reminded that I would not trade my sinful, willful child for one that was called to give up so much. Blessed Virgin, please pray for me with your Mother's heart. I ask for your wisdom, your grace and your intercession. Call out to our Lord with me Sweet Mary!!
Father, my spirit is restless in turmoil today. Someone sent my mother a nasty email - and O'God I want to draw my sword and defend her! Help me to know how You would want me to be there for her Father. I pray for her God, that she may be loved and healed and blessed. I pray that she may find overflowing comfort Father. I do not pray that she will have enough - but that she will be overjoyed. Father, I pray that You will pour out Your providence on her. I ask this Father in the name of Your Son - who told us that anything we asked in His Name, You could not refuse. Father - hold true on Your promise to us and to Him and fill up every corner of her life.
Father, I also pray for my brothers Jay and Creed, for Devin, for Jared, for Lindsey, for Joel, for Jeremy. I pray that their lives may be holy and blessed. I pray for their hearts to be happy Lord. I pray that they will always feel whole with You. Again O'God, I send you this plea in the name of Christ Your Son.
And finally, my constant pray - I ask God for your Providence and Blessing on my coaching practice. God, I have been told time and time again that you have given me this "gift" - that this is what I should be "doing". I hve felt in my own heart what I believe is your pushing me towards this vocation. God - is it too much to ask that I can be blessed financially through this gift? Is it too much to ask that we would not struggle with our money?
God, in Your Word you answered so many cries for Providence. I pray that you will hear mine and judge it as worthy as those. And if You cannot, I pray that You will give me a heart to be glad. Father, i am knocking - still. I am calling and calling. Please Father, in the Name of Jesus, please put Your hand of Blessngs and Providence onto my practice.
Thank You Triune God, that you have cleared the path so that I may come to You. Be with me today.
Cloud of Witnesses, pray for me today. Cheer me on and champion my cause.
May the angels of heavn sing today....
In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit who reveals the truth...
Amen
|
|
|
| |
| Just a quick prayer Lord |
| 06.02.04 (8:01 am) [edit] |
God, I'm not sure what to say to You today... so instead, let me hear You.
I've noticed Lord, that when I sit down to "blog" my prayers, as my fingers begin to move across the keyboard, it seems that my soul quiets down. It feels like a peace - or something- literally descends upon me.
I'm grateful for this time with You Lord, although I know it appears so unconventional and to some even odd. But for whatever reason, it draws me closer to You.
I pray Father, that I may continue to feel You today....
In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit for whom I long...
Amen
|
|
|
| |
| Constant Prayer |
| 06.01.04 (6:56 am) [edit] |
Well Lord, first I must thank You for such a wonderful weekend! It was such a joy to stand beside my best friend as she married HER best friend. I am so grateful that You took care of all of the finances and details for me Lord, so that I could have so many opportunities to show them both how much they mean to us. I pray that You will bless them both Father, and bless their marriage - that it would be everything You want for them.
And now Lord... it's back to the "real world". Back to work, and bills, and the daily stuff of life.
And so Lord, as I sit down and prepare to work to provide for my family - I pray for YOUR providence. I pray that Your hand may be on my business- that Your Holy Spirit may fill my heart, mouth and work.
Lord, let me not be bashful as I ask of You, but bold in spirit...
Lord, I pray for You to fill my practice with clients. I pray that the walls will crumble and abundance will come for Jared, Devin and I. And I pray that in all things, we will know You.
I pray for Jay Michael, my little brother who I love so and hope for so much... and for whom I grieve right now....
St. Michael, protect him as he runs head first out into the world. To those of us here, he seems so lost. Pray for him and watch over him.
St. Joseph, I know that Our Father has placed him in your care... be strong for him. Pray continually for him as an earthly father would - especially since there is no such man to do so.
Blessed Mother, pray for him. Pray that he will see your Son. Pray that he will feel His love. Pour out your prayers for him as a mother, Sweet Mary.
St. Jude, it seems to those of us who love him at times that he is indeed an impossible cause. Pray for him. Pray that somehow he will choose to find the way. And pray for those of us who love him, that our faith will remain strong and that our hope will be eternal.
In the name of the Father who created us all, the Son who humbled Himself for each of us, and the Holy Spirit who comes to give us the truth...
Amen
|
|
|
| |
| God, I want it ALL... Now! |
| 05.25.04 (1:38 pm) [edit] |
Father, I long for your presence. I long for an understanding of what you ask of me, and a heart of grace and courage to obey. I pray for the faith to take the steps that lead through discomfort and uncertainty, suffering and pain.
I must confess Father, I want it all... and I want it now.
I want your blessing on my business and on Jared's. It seems like it has been so long that we have had to worry about money. I'm tired of not having enough Lord! I'm tired of clawing and scratching.
I want to easily and joyfully accept the gift of another child. I don't want insurance, or pregnancy, or room in this tiny house to be a concern!!
Father, I just want a Good Season. I find I am growing weary, envious and resentful... and I hate those traits in my heat. Lord, I just want a break.
And at the same time, I want Holy Bliss. I want to be near you. I want to receive you. I want to have faith in you.
But every time I think to ask for that... I am frightened that you will allow me more challenge so that I may "grow". Father, I don't want to have to hit rock bottom to find you!!! Can't you and I grow closer and STILL allow me to have some human comforts??
Lord, please, have mercy on me. Have pity on my weakness. I am trying Lord... please let that count for something. Please see through the muck and the ugliness and know my heart... and forgive the ugliness that you find there.
Father, I know that all things happen in your time, and that your time is perfect. But to my human understanding, it seems like NOW would be a good time for Spring and Summer, now would be a good place to end the Down Slide.
Comfort me O' Lord. Walk with me... and as carry me Lord, for it certainly feels as if I cannot walk anymore.
In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit...
Amen
|
|
|
| |
| Lord, help me to not hate "Christians" |
| 05.22.04 (7:38 am) [edit] |
Lord, I think of how much you loved us all... each of your followers, and even those who did not follow. And I do not want to hurt you by hating one of my brothers.
Lord, I struggle as I read/hear some of the things said/written by "Christians". So much of it just doesn't make any sense to me.
I don't want to add to the problem and be part of the group who assume to know who IS and who is NOT a Christian.
But Father, as a reverted Catholic, I must admit... my human longing is that everyone would just "come home".
My 4-year old and I were walking through town yesterday, after having stopped in our church to pray a it, and he noticed all of the "houses with Crosses" and he asked me - "Why does God have so many different houses? Shouldn't God just have al the houses and all the garages and just have one big home?"
Out of the mouths of babes, Lord. The seperation and bickering hurts my heart. And yet, I cannot pretend - especially in front of you - to be merely kind and compassionate and hoping for reconciliation. Lord, it makes me angry, it makes me think about "being right", it makes me intolerant of my sperated brethren.
Lord, I am ashamed. Because I do not want to hate or argue in Your Name. I know that is the worst insult to Your Name that we can give you.
Please help me to truly have a heart of love, and not just a face. Help me to truly feel compassion and love and... Lord, whatever it is you want me to feel.
Help me to Know the Truth - and to trust that You will reveal the same truth to all of your children.
In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit...
Amen
|
|
|
| |
| Lord, I hate this fallen world.... BUT |
| 05.21.04 (4:58 pm) [edit] |
Lord, as I sat in my basement tonight - alone and scared as tornadoes and storms raged around me... I was so frightened. I felt so alone and have never wanted more to be able to FEEL or SEE or HEAR your presence.
My mom reminded me later - fter the storm had passed - that tornadoes and destruction are not of God, but of a fallen world.
Well, now I am torn. God - I HATE living in this fallen world when it means fear and uncertaintiy, when it means destruction and sadness and loss.
But... I was reminded again tonight how unready my soul is to leave it. Perhaps my flesh is still too strong Lord. But I think about my son, and my heart absolutely tears in two at the thought of leaving him behind. I think of my own fears - I don't want to die scared and in pain Lord.
Lord, I am so ashamed. I know that some would say if I am not ready to go to Heaven than I do not have enough Faith, or enough Love for You. Is that what it is, Lord?
As I sait there, shivering in fear Lord, I cried out to You and to my Blessed Mother. I begged for protection and comfort and mercy. I begged that you would spare me. And I was reminded of those in this area who have died in tornadoes - and thought, I am no better than they. Who am I to hope for a kinder fate?
Lord, right before the storm hit I had prayed the Holy Rosary and meditated on the Sorrowful Mysteries. As I sat there alone and scared, I wondered if this was in some way how you felt in that awful garden. Lord - did You feel alone? Were You terrified at the pain that awaited you? Were You angry at those who fell asleep and could not offer You real comfort?
And yet, as much as You cried out, even Your Father did not spare You such agony. My heart breaks - for You, and selfishlessly for me. Do I then have any right to beg for mercy and absence of pain?
Father, as I sat there in fear I became so accutely awar that I was truly at Your mercy - that I had absolutely NO control. And I hated it.
Lord, give me a heart that walks Your will with grace and courage and faith. I feel as if I am so far from what You want me to be. Please Lord, keep working in me. Plesae, give me Your Holy Spirit as You have to so many others who asked. I am unworthy to ask Lord, but I ask still... because I have nowhere to turn but to You.
Blessed Mother, I know that it was your Sacred Heart that called out to me, that watched over my baby and turned my heart towards him, as you have turned it towards your own son so many times. Expand my heart Mother... pray that it will grow to encompass all that Your Son has to give.
In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit...
Amen
|
|
|
| |
| God is so smart! |
| 05.13.04 (9:22 am) [edit] |
Lord, thank you for your wise intervention.
I had such a crappy morning with my husband and my son today. And I was all set to get on here and pour my heart out to you. And before I could, you put before me my mother - whose heart was also breaking. And it seemed to me that in your mercy you allowed me to be there for her, and somehow that healed me of my own pain.
I am so amazed Lord at the way in which you work. I'm just in awe of how you work all things for good.
And you know, it just occured to me that it must have been your grace that allowed me to turn away from my own pain so that I could love her.
I think of how you, Jesus, knew every moment of the pain you were going to have to suffer. And how you even knew that despite your sacrifice, it would not prevent the Crusades or the Holocaust, or abortion, or sin, or terrorism, or anything else. You knew that some would think you had died in vain. And yet you did it anyway.
And more than that - even with a full comprehension of your own pain - you spent your life turning towards other people's pain. You healed, you loved, you taught, you showed mercy, you ministered... all while carrying the burden of your destiny. You truly are a loving Lord.
Thank you, Lord, for the grace that you showed when you walked as a man. And for the grace that you pour out on this earth even today. And thank you for the grace and the love that you pour out on even the smallest of us, even on me.
In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit...
Amen
|
|
|
| |
| A Prayer for War |
| 05.12.04 (10:17 am) [edit] |
Lord, for what shall I pray as an American whose country is embattled in a war that I do not support?
Lord, you call on us to pray for peace. I cannot begin to pretend that I understand what "peace" means to you. So I will pray, as you've asked, for peace - the peace of Your will and Your way in Your time.
Lord, you ask me to pray for our leaders, including my president. How can I pray for a man who I so strongly oppose politically? But again, I cannot begin to pretend that I understand Your Plan. So I will pray that you are with George W. Bush. I will pray that you provide him with your grace, mercy, strength and wisdom. I pray that you will use him - as you do all people and things - for good. I pray that even in my times of doubt and fear, that I will trust in You Lord - and remember that you are always in control, always at the helm of everything.
And Lord, I pray for our soldiers. For both the ones who signed up specifically to fight this battle, and those who were asked to fulfill a promise that they made long before they could know the details or the cost - but who made the promise anyway.
I pray that they will know your love. I pray that you will be a comfort to them when their loved ones cannot. I pray that they will not be so disillusioned by the ugliness of real world war that they will turn from you - but that somehow you will continue to draw them close to you.
I pray for those that have fulfilled their promise in exchange for their lives, that their souls may be refined and welcomed into Your Kingdom. I pray that those who know them, will also pray for them by name.
I pray for the loved ones who have sacrificed time - some lifetimes - with their beloved soldiers. I pray Lord that you will bless them for their faithfulness and comfort them in their sorrow and worry. I pray that somehow you will bring them the peace that surpasses all human understanding.
I pray for those who do horrible things for reasons that I cannot understand or condone. I pray that I will have faith in your promise that you call all people to draw near to you.
Lord, it seems to my human mind that it would take a miracle for Your Will to prevail on this earth, during these violent times. And so O'God, I ask for that miracle. We humans have yet to figure out how to "fix" this situation. I pray Lord that my prayers are joined with the prayers of others, and that by crying out to you as one voice the miracle will occur and Your Will and Plan will prevail - and you will be glorified because of it.
The Peace Rosary:
I pray for peace within myself.
I pray for peace within my marriage & home, beginning with me
I pray for peace within my family, beginning with me.
I pray for peace within my community, beginning with me.
I pray for peace within and for my country, beginning with me.
I pray for peace within and for this world, beginning with me.
I pray for peace within and for the Church and Body of Christ, beginning with me.
Let it begin in my soul Lord, and souls of all of your Children - so that our souls may magnify you.
In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit...
Amen
|
|
|
| |
| Lord, I love it when your answers are quick & obvious! |
| 05.12.04 (6:42 am) [edit] |
Lord, I am in such a wonderful mood this morning! I know that there are times when your answers to our prayers are not always obvious or as quick as WE would like. I know that your timing is always perfect and ours is not.
But I must admit God, it is great when once in a while we are able to receive an immediate and obvious answers to our prayers!
Last night, after saying the Holy Rosary, I laid down in bed and prayed about why I have been struggling to get up early. And lo and behold, at 5:30 this morning my eyes opened all by themselves, wide awake - and I made it to 7:00am Mass! To be able to pray the peace rosary this morning in your House, Lord, it was such a gift to me.
Thank you Lord. Thank you for the joyful heart, for answering my prayer to rejoice in your presence. Christ - when they raised the Holy Host this morning, my heart was not sad - even though I could not receive. I truly, truly am so grateful for the opportunity to stand before you this morning, as unworthy as I am. What a gift! What a blessing! Thank you Lord for opening my heart to this wonderful mystery and wiping away my sadness and heavy heart.
Be with me today O' Lord, that I may make use of the time and talents and gifts that you have seen fit to bestow upon me.
Father, Bless this day. Be with my husband and my son as they go out into the fallen world. Give them your portection and mercy Sweet God.
In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit....
Through Christ, our Lord...
Amen
|
|
|
| |
| Lord, help me to get it all done |
| 05.11.04 (8:53 am) [edit] |
Father, my life is so busy right now - and not at all with fun, fulfilling stuff it seems. Help me please O'God that I might still enjoy each day that You have given me so graciously. Help me that I might embrace the path that You have set before me, and not long for another that is ore fun and less busy.
Help my flesh to find the motivation, the energy, and the time to complete all of the tasks You have set before me. Help me to fulfill my promises to others. Help me to be a good steward of all of the precious gifts You have lovingly given me - time, money, attention, love.
Help me to somehow get it all done Lord. Help me to do first and always what You want of me. Help me to find the time and energy to be a good mother and make good on the promise I made to You at his Baptism. Help me to find the strength and energy to be a good wife, as I promised to You and to him on the day we were married.
O'Lord, Jesus, when I think of Your life, I can't help but wonder if things were more simple then. If You were able to dedicate Your life to Your Father because You didn't have so many things pulling at You. Jesus, I really don't know the answer - but I know that You do. And I'm sure You shake Your head at the ridiculousness of my questions and worry. Jesus, truly You must have rejoiced in every single day that You were given... and yet, You knew how it would end, and You knew that You would be reunited with Your Father - and later again with Your Mother.
Jesus, help me to gain perspective.
O'Lord, please just mold me. I feel so foolish - as if I don't even know what to pray for, what to ask for, what to hope for. Draw me near to You, Lord, that I may at least know Your Love with certainty and confidence.
Blessed Mother - it seems that you were so clear of the path God wanted for you. I never read of you being scared or confused once you opened your womb to our Lord. Please pray for me Mother, please pray that I continually find more peace and grace.
In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit for whom I long...
Amen.
|
|
|
| |
| Lord, help m to resist |
| 05.10.04 (9:48 am) [edit] |
Lord - I cannot stand being misunderstood! My immediate reaction is to explain myself and clarify what I REALLY mean, who I REALLY am, what I'm REALLY like...
Help me to resist the urge, Lord.
Help me to remember that it is not important that I am ever seen "clearly" Father, but that it is always the most important that my brethren see YOU clearly.
I fear that in my declarations, if people are confused by what I see, that they will be missing out on You. Father, I do know in my head how ridiculous that is - that it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with You.
Lord, help me to know that in my heart and my soul.
I am not used to quitely fading into the background Lord. It is a journey for me to make myself smaller so that Your vision will be magnified.
Lord - let my soul, my life, my every word and action magnify YOU. Because let's face it Father - I would not look so great under a magnifier. :?
Father, help me to love You more today. Walk with me, guide me, overwhelm me with Your presence. Help me to have the faith to be at peace.
Lord Jesus, live in me today. I surely feel like I am livingproof that "once saved always saved" must be a misinterpretation. For every single day I find that I need to be renewed in You. Although I cannot receive Your Body and Blood right now through the Holy Eucharst, please fill me with Your Holy Spirit.
I know I am unworthy to receive You Lord Jesus, but only say the word, and I shall be made whole.
Blessed Mother, you have done your job so well in pointing me towards your Son, our Lord. Please continue to pray for me that my flesh may be overcome and I will fully receive the Holy Spirit. Pray Blessed Virgin, for the constant conversion of my heart. Help me to not get lazy with God.
In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit...
Amen
|
|
|
| |
| Blessed Mother.. hear us on this Mother's Day |
| 05.08.04 (3:20 pm) [edit] |
O' Blessed Mother, hear our hearts on this Mother's Day.
Pray for all of us mothers, that we may obtain your faith and grace - the grace that you surely must have been filled with when you opened your womb and your life to the Holy Spirit and our Lord. Pray for us that we may know that you are ready to stand for us, love us, and guide us. Pray for us that we too may be loved by the children we sacrifice for - as you were loved by your own Son.
Pray for our children Sweet Mother, as you surely know how much we hope and pray for their happiness, protection, comfort and grace. Pray that we may be able to leave them in God's hands - and that they will turn to Him when they are called. Pray that they will be called sooner rather than later.
Pray for my mother, Blessed Virign. Her children have broken her heart so many times Mother.
Pray for her mother, my Nana, that her suffering is eased and she can be received Holy in the Kingdom. If it is possible Mother, let her hear our prayers and know that we are calling for her and loving her even still - after so much time that she has been gone. Let her know that she is not forgotten, and that we eagerly await our reunion.
Pray for my mother-in-law, who carries your namesake. Pray that she knows that she is not alone, and that she will be blessed every time she is called upon by your sweet, Holy name. Let her know that from the moment she was born and called Mary, she was blessed. Give her your strength Mother.
Pray Mother, for all of your children, that they will come to honor you, love you, and indeed "call you blessed". I pray that they will not keep their backs to you forever Mary.
And lastly Blessed Mother, pray for me. Pray, please, that I may receive a grace not unlike your own. Pray that I too shall be blessed and receive the favor of our Lord. Pray that I will have the faith and the grace to receive all that the Lord sees fit to bestow upon me. And pray Sweet Mother that I will be humble and not long for what He does not wish to give me.
On this Mother's Day weekend Sweet Mary, I thank you, I love you and I do call you Blessed. For it is you who made it possible, it is you who shows us what a Mother's Love can do. It is you who always points us to your Son, who calls us all home to receive the Last Supper, who gahters us up in your arms and delivers us to our Lord.
Haily Mary, full of Grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death....
Amen.
|
|
|
| |
| God, I feel like man after the fall... before the Redeemer |
| 05.08.04 (3:07 pm) [edit] |
Father, I understand now why people say ignorance is bliss.
Last night when i was with my husband, I felt like I was given a very clear vision - and it just broke my heart Lord. For some reason, for the first time ever, I understood what You truly intended the Sacrament of Marriage to be. I understood what You meant when You said that two flesh would become one... one with nothing seperating them. Oh Father! My heart is so sad, because now I can see and feel so clearly what I have been missing.
Lord, I feel like all in one instant last night I really, truly understood what I have been missing with both the Sacrament of the Holy Eucharist and the Sacrament of Marriage, and I just cried Lord. It was like I could suddenly see that this piece was missing - and could only now start to feel the pain. Before I didn't know what I was missing out on, and now I so clearly do. It was all at once a moment of such clarity and yet so much pain.
Father, I long for You. I long to be able to receive you in Holy Communion. I long to be able to fully receive the gift of Marriage as You intended it to be. My heart breaks because I can never fully undo what has already been done - sex before marriage, sex within a marriage as it was never intended, with contraception, etc. I fear that even in knowing this now, I will forever be tainted, I will never experience the real purity of having only been with my husband, waited for marriage, and always with NOTHING between us. That chance is something I can never get back.
Lord, can You really heal all things - even this? Father, I cannot even begin to know how You could repair this, but I beg for the faith to believe and the mercy that You will do so.
Lord, I want so badly to receive you in Holy Communion. Please, please Father, clear the path for me to be able to fully receive all of the Sacraments that You have to offer me. I pray Lord that it is Your will for this to be my future. If it is Lord, please ease my path and Your way. And if - Heaven forbid - it is not, please take this longing for it from my heart. I do not know how much longer I can bear this.
Blessed Mother, please pray for me. Please, hear my heart and carry my prayers to your Son, our Lord. I hope that in sharing my heart of a woman you will understand and have pity on me, and take up my cause in Heaven. Sweet Mary, please be my advocate before the Throne.
In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit...
Amen
|
|
|
| |
| Father, please fogive my pride |
| 05.06.04 (7:45 am) [edit] |
Good morning, Lord. Here we are, and once again I must ask for humility.
Lord, I am SO grateful that You continue to bless me - I know that right now is an "easy" part of life, and I am glad for it - truly. I'm glad that You have not chosen to crush me in order to humble me - after all, I AM human, Lord. :)
But O'Father I struggle with my pride. It seems with every blessing - every kind word someone gives me, or accomplishment, or anything - my first thought is "Yeah Me!" and my second "Forgive me, Father."
Why is it that every single day I have to ask again for humility? Why am I so prideful, Lord?
Lord, please be with me today. Please soften my heart, turn my eyes toward You, and strengthen my faith in Your will and Your way.
Help me to not worry, Lord. I pray that my faith can overcome my flesh so that I KNOW that You are with me, that You are always working and in control. Help me to accept that Your way really is best, even if my human brain wants for something different.
Blessed Mother, I am reminded of your faith time and time again. When I worry I think - I wonder if you worried? When the Angel came to you and completely changd your life, your truly must have been filled with grace to accept God's plan for you so comletely. Right now sweet Mary I am reding that some of "us" are arguing over whether we should say "full of grace" or "highly favored". But Mother, it seems to me you must truly have been both... for I think it must have taken a huge act of grace to lay down YOUR ideas about your life for His. Blessed Virgin, I ask that you will pray for me - that I too may achieve a state of grace... perhaps aspire to a state of grace much like your own.
In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit...
Amen
|
|
|
| |
| Thanks, God. |
| 05.05.04 (8:20 pm) [edit] |
Lord, thank You for today. Thank You for continuing to love me, cherish me, walk with me.
And Lord, I am so grateful that You love others too - those who are so dear to my own heart. It fills me up when I see You loving them as well.
Father, I see You continuing to clear the path for others - so that they may continue to follow Your will. Lord, keep on! I pray that You will pick up the stumbling blocks that can seem to be like fallen mighty oaks across our path to us - immovable and impassable, preventing us from continuing on. And yet You can, in Your awesome power, simply pick up these huge trees and remove them, if and when it is Your will.
Father, I pray that You continue to move mountains in my life - and in the lives of those I love. I pray You will remove the mountains that stand in our way, so that we may more easily walk the straight and narrow path You have set us on. Straight and Narrow - easy to see, simple to follow, obvious to recognize when we are ON and OFF course.
Lord, I am very sleep right now, but I just want to say that I love you, and thank You, thank You so much.
In the Name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit...
Amen.
(Blessed Mother and dear St. Joseph - protect my family as we sleep tonight. Watch over us please, stand with our Guardian Angels - give them strength.)
|
|
|
| |
| Blessed Virgin, hear my heart |
| 05.05.04 (7:18 am) [edit] |
Blessed Mother, you know my heart. I so want another child. I want to obey my Lord, your son, and be open to children in my marriage.
But Mary, the fears and realities of this world surround me. I'm worried about insurance, and cost, and room in this tiny house. Sweet Mother - did you have fears when the angel asked YOU to accept the gift of a child?
Blessed Mother, hear the heart of another mother, and please pray for me. Pray that I am able to follow God's will. Pray for a miracle for me sweet Mother.
|
|
|
| |
| Lord, forgive me again. |
| 05.05.04 (7:14 am) [edit] |
Lord, first, thank You. Thank You just for being You, and for loving me - as unworthy as I am.
Thank You for hearing our prayers... You blessed my mother yesterday and did indeed "clear the path You had set for her"... just as I had prayed so hard that You would.
Lord, I'm asking for Your strength, humility and of course - grace - today. Right now I am so disappointed at that hideous dress that I'm going to have to wear in 3 weeks - Father, it is awful looking! It will surely be a test of my vanity, Lord. Give me the grace and the peace and just a tiny bit of Your perspective Lord so that I can keep my heart on what matters.
Jared paid bills last night... and I'm supposed to go shopping with Jess today. Father, can You put the Joy of You in my heart? I want to be glad Lord, I want to rejoice, I want to be aware and grateful of my blessings. Ah, my flesh can be so weak. Lord, please strengthen my soul and the part of me that is made in YOUR likeness.
Blessed Virgin, please watch over my son today. Love him sweet Mary. Provide him with the comfort of your loving arms, and the protection of Your Blessed Son, Jesus. Be his advocate today Holy Mother.
And Blessed Mary, you were the spouse of the Holy Spirit. Your humility and grace so far exceed my own meager attempts. Please, love my husband today. Love Jared, guide him, fill the space that I cannot.
In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit...
Amen
|
|
|
| |
| Thank You God for this session! |
| 05.03.04 (11:01 am) [edit] |
Lord, thank You so much for this coaching session I just finished up. It is such a huge thrill for me every time I have a session that goes well. It is constant confirmation that I am using a precious gift that You gave to me.
Holy Spirit, You have put such amazing people in my path, and allowed me to speak to their hearts. Thank You for allowing me to be a part of their lives, for working through me. It is such a blessing.
Thank You so much God. I am so grateful for these blessings, so so grateful.
In the Name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit...
Amen.
|
|
|
| |
| Lord, my sin is so obvious |
| 05.03.04 (7:02 am) [edit] |
Oh Father - my temper!!!
By 8:30 my husband and I were arguing this morning. Lord, I am praying daily for grace, yet my mouth still just spits hatred and meanness!
I want to justify my argument to you Lord, so that You will see my side and know that my sin was "not that bad". And I know that is not what You call me to do...
Lord, I am on my face before You. I am so sorry Father, for I have definitely dishonored my husband this morning. Ok, Ok, I will call him and ask for his forgiveness. Lord - You can be so relentless. :-)
***************
Thank You Father, for the power of men/women to forgive one another here on Earth. Whew... I feel better.
You know Lord, I was going to ask You - Why is it that my sins have always been so visible, so obvious to everyone around me... yet any signs of grace I have seem to be so hidden and only evident in the inner sanctuary of my heart?
But no, not now Lord. Father, thank You for Your guidance.
**************
Lord - what the heck is going on with my computer screen???? I shut it down and when I started it up this morning it was fine. And now - here it is flickering at me again? Father.... if You cared about an axe head - can You also care about my flickering computer screen?
Holy Spirit, if it is Your will, please come and restore this for me!!!!
In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit...
Amen.
(Father... I take to You my whole life, my whole heart - even the frivolous details of every day life and the ugliness of me at my worst. I pray Lord, fulfill Your promises....)
Oh my gosh, the screen just stopped flickering. Yeah God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow, I am in awe. None of the words that come to mind do justice. Thank You God!!!!!!
|
|
|
| |
| Response to comments.... |
| 05.02.04 (8:25 am) [edit] |
OK, this is not a prayer.
This is a human response to the human comments that my blogs have received.
First, for some reason I am always surprised that people comment... because I am surprised that people have found my Blog and read them.
Second, I am moved by the compassion and kindness that most have shared. I've even been blessed via Blog! LOL These comments have been like Foot Prints of the Holy Spirit on my heart, and I am so grateful for them.
And then.. there is the other. :-)
I was a little surprised - I am always surprised to find someone who calls God "imaginary". I am fortunate that I have never known - even on MY twisted journey - the emptiness of complete unbelief. Although because of that blessing, I cannot empathize or fathom this position.
I am leaving this comment online though. It seems such a shame to erase the words someone made an effort to leave. For I know that God hears his words, knows his heart... and in kind so will I (hear his words at least).
I pray that these comments don't become too hateful or personally attacking. Heaven knows I do not stand well against those - I am in need of MUCH grace to be silent when I am "attacked", or my faith, my Lord, my Blessed Mother undergo insult or injury. Ah yes, THAT is when you see the ugliest side of my humanity!!
To those who somehow and for some reason read these Blogs, know that your comments - whatever they may be - are appreciated. But also know that at least right now, I'm basically just praying. You're getting a front row seat to my inner heart... as ugly and flawed as it can be. My intent is not to convert... I am so grateful that as a Catholic my job is only to be able to tell "what I believe, and why I believe it!"... and leave the converting to God. (Although, as readers will see... I struggle with this when those souls are so beloved to me).
But again, sincerely, thank you. :-)
***Britt***
|
|
|
| |
|
|
